I try my hardest each day to live a normal life as possible. It’s what we all want at the end of the day…. but what is normal??
It is normal for me to wake up and slowly begin to feel the aches and pains sweep over my body, the moment I begin to lift my head from the pillow, the lightning bolts start dancing round my back. As I begin to sit up, the dull ache of my hips, fights for attention with the sharp pain they also want to dish out, meanwhile my thigh begins to burn…. This Is My Normal…
This pain never goes away… every step I take makes my feet burn, my legs scream, and keeps the lightning bolts dancing. For me to walk like everyone else I find my rythm with my breathing, and try to grim and bare it. If I was to always give in to my limp.. the muscles in my body will begin to sieze and thus beginning of the cramp.
Walking with a stick reduces the cramp and eleviates some of the pain in my legs. So why don’t I use it all the time? Simple… because when I look in the mirror I see an old woman staring back.
I know that I need to get over that fear of looking old and embrace my stick and looking normal… but I am not quite ready for that. I already have to embrace the fact that I can no longer drink on my meds as it increases the side effects.
This is the beginning of a huge learning curve for me.. I have finally had to admit that I am depressed because of it all.
But I don’t think it is 100% because I am in pain. I think it is because I am finding it difficult to get those close to me (not my husband-he is amazing) to accept that I do have this condition. Because they cannot see it all day everyday.. they do not see me when I fall trying to get in and out of the bath, or that sometimes I may need my husband to help me wash. They do not see me when I am crying myself to sleep, or even just attempting to sleep.
These are the most common phases that drives me insane..
“You’re Young.. why are you tired all the time”
“You shouldn’t be on medication all the time”
“Keep up.. you’re younger than me”
“You are so accident prone”
“It cant be that bad if you can sit crossed legged on the floor” (my one comfy position)
“You shouldn’t be on anti depressants”
and so on and so forth. It’s Frustrating. Sometimes I wish I could show them how it feels.
Last night I had one of my usual falls, so I have been limping, to which I got told.. have a soak in the bath and you will be better in no time. I would love to truly enjoy a soak in the tub but the initial pain of getting into the water is excruciating, due to the femoral acetabular impingement the nerves in my leg go crazy in extreme temperature changes.
I have got to try and remember that what may be normal for someone else.. is not normal for me. I must try and embrace my differences. To be proud of myself when I excede MY normal. Not what other people expect of me.
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Please comment with your own experiences.